mine winter

what i love most about my life are the people and places i hold dear.
though i have never been in love, i have loved. I have loved with all my heart i devoted my soul
i'm starting to believe i will never be in love unless the action is mutual
because love is an action right?
and i am very active.

I will be back soon.

What I didn't do

untrust

do you remember that time we sat in my car and we talked about every moon and star
and that time you shedded a tear but i refused to hold you near
or that time we never knew
of anything else except for longing that new
something new
something unfamiliar and
queer
but i cannot say for myself.
if i were to listen to this song on repeat i swear it would give me every reason to stay
but as ben gibbard stated it best
'and here i rest where disappoint and regret collide laying awake at night'

but none the less this has nothing to do with anyone in particular. i'm just saying, this is how i've felt at all times with people know and unknown. to my unknown i wish we could just be strangers again.
its 2:27am and i cant seem to rest my shy eyes
this isnt the end but just the beginning.
when i see the girl i see a longing sad soul
and i cant help but be the humanitarian
and say
just look at me and say
everything will be ok

i've never seen anyone cook a turkey in a crock pot. is that even possible?
i guess, if you live by the saying anything is possible.

I was watching greys anatomy today. such a good show. and today i woke up at 6am. i almost forgot how gorgeous early mornings are. with the sky still gray and a mysterious mist protruding, my eyes, my sight is sensational. reminds me of last winter. the past lingers in my mind although i am trying very forget. not to be confused with suppress. or not even forget, just....

MOOOOVVEEEE OONNN!!!

and idle mind wreaks havoc. can you breathe? is your body sore? i adore thee brown eyes. in modest stature i stood unwilling to comply with the needs of the devil. For what i want is unlikely. this host is a realist. and i am convinced right inside my brain that there is a misunderstanding between you and i, an us, so we. such adjective makes things personal. personal? does that mean SOMEONE in particular? i know that is just what you always wanted to hear. WE US THEM THEY TOGETHER
you, i.. that means YOU & I
we us them they together
person A and person B working in unision? its your place pal.
we want us to be them like they are together.
i can't wait to hear from my pen pal.
darling, this is for you.

this afternoon i have a goal to steer clear. oh its so hard to breathe. i cant take a girl with a stuffy nose seriously.

i love my friends. they inspire me to be expressive.
but the most important thing i have yet learned is:
say what you mean
mean what you say
you cant be a little bit pregnant

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
oh lol jk omg totally dude.
If i had a penny for every sarcastic comment i made....
i'd have 99 pennies but a bitch ain't one. ..

on a more serious note. As I was driving on the freeway to an undisclosed location today something came to me that goes a little like this.....

oh get wise my foolish heart for these people may never know the toil we undergo.
Hold back your spite filled tongue and show compassion for those will eventually understand everything does happen with necessary reason. But do not mistake chance for truth because clearly, nothing is sacred in this city. May my secrets be kept between i and the trees, there are snakes in the grass and distrustful whispers in the air. Careless words spread careless thoughts that evoke careless actions that result in feud. so please, to those i love, do not live in angst or uncertainty. Because everything will be ok... for love is all accepting and unconditional, I will stay true to my word, to the best of my ability. Just say anything true. If you think im full of shit, then i think youre full of shit. =]

Oh None

back to square one so I feel
when i hear those words said
i cant help but relive them

can you see, you dont know me?
I wear a thick skin
but under the leather lies
some what of a weak heart,
i long for the acceptance
i feel i will never receive.
Maybe it's something I earn, not deserve.
But please do not confuse this as a cry for help
I am not asking for sympathy
may i ask for empathy?
Not everything is the way it seems.
take my life for example, what do you see when you look at me?
our relationship is experiencing turbulence. And i believe it is because you are afraid to get too close. You are distrusting to the masses and weary of the known.
I know though, if you were to let the guards down, this might be the most memorable ride of your life.
try not to figure it out before you get there but this is surely unlike anything you've ever known. In our young lives, in your young time
don't leave bewildered to the sensation.

lovely is the weather

this is something new.

i feel slightly peculiar today.
my eye sockets are dried out
my skin pale
my fingers feel brittle
my legs are turning to dust
my mind is taking off to strange places
and all i want to do is lay down on the ground
any ground
some ground
ground breaking something something something something

....... my ears are gone
my tongue has shriveled up
i might have swallowed it whole
i have nothing more to say
but so much more to yell out loud
OUT LOUD
SUCH AS:
I CANNOT FATHOM YOUR SIMPLE MINDED ARENA

no, thats not true. I just want this feeling to go away
i feel carved out hallow left to stand in the wind
i am missing the desert. i am missing my friend.
i am missing the comfort.
i am missing Him.

Hi, i called to let you know i was thinking about you. I dropped by unexpectedly just say hello, i love you dearly. Oh, no, no.
Don't waste time
just take me out of my mind
I want to venture somewhere far.
show the courageous
leave me in awe

but damn it there i go again with the sense of entitlement i feel so needy to deserve.
never mind
just leave me here
where i will sit and preserve.
i'm leaving at sunset
i will not endure this
not now, not ever

As inspired by...

As inspired by Pablo Neruda
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines... And though these be the last lines that I write for her"
My confession:
I beg, please my mind, please forsake this woman on my mind. I left a night of all the wild and unholy to sit in my car and write this letter of despair. My fingers linger the scent of spent cigarettes, my throat is closed tight
and my head is unforgiving
a romance conceived in chaos must result in chaos
of course any rational mind would shy away
but i am
hopeless
selfish
and abstract in behavior
why is today different?
You were something different.
I am weak in the knees
My heart beats meek...
COMPLETE HONESTY
it hurt me to the hear the words:
[nonchalant
I had no expectations]
How could you mean that? I know my physical speaks otherwise,
but you speak in mannerisms as well.
Do you mean what you say?
look at me and please tell me to go away.

Sad is the woman who refuses to live in a reality
because frankly if this was all a dream then i'd rather remain asleep.
Interpret that as you will but i've grown so weary to the constant uncertainty.
this is not an issue of control, this is of consideration
I will strike this match and may all these words turn into ash
in order to follow the winds current and lie rest upon your eyes.
For my uneasy self cannot speak of it out loud.
You may condemn if you will but this for certain is how i feel.
I am left in a naked and vulnerable state but i cannot be embarrassed because
glory is what i seek and to fall short none will i ever fall
Breathe easy, stay golden.
this life is too short for mess.
embrace what is true
listen to good music
neglect what is toxic and smile more
i'm headed in cog.
thank you for a wonderful time

your friend,
Radha J