matter of lust

something to do, something to say.
oh haha

anyway, sometimes i just say nothing and with my hands on my head i say nothing is okay.
Last night in a room full of heathens, i felt like a walking corpse. My nostrils flaring and my head pounding I was looking for a reason to be so absurd. I would have loved to go with you stranger but I cannot. I'm so picky with my deadly reactions. I must have some morality left. But I think I do things just say i did it. So, here i am today, I did it. And I sat outside street corners away from the room and under the moon I cried. I sobbed hysterically for what seemed an eternity. Only because I for once voiced out loud my most defeating escapades. My most ruthless endeavors,the most agonizing complications for no reason whatsoever.


Now it makes sense when she told me i'm a glutton for punishment.
so tell me. really, really. what is on your mind?

last friday of feburary 2010

who doesn't appreciate one hundred percent honesty? if one week from today you say I cannot... Then I must say in one hundred percent honesty you have broken my heart. And i will never see you again.
Dramatic right? No, it's just a series of let downs. Have i said that before?
Well, once i read "i avoid interest to avoid disappointment"
How am i so incapable of understanding this simple concept.
I'm drowning myself in nothing but that little bit.
the benefit of the doubt, what does that mean to you?
this is a compliment.
I trust you say what you say for a reason and I take no offense, but you seem to always stay so offended.
tell me, what have i done to distrust you're interest?
Maybe it wasn't me all at.
Some people are just that lost.
But I am crawling out of my skin.
I never knew you at all.
I'm waking up dreaming of what could have been. My shy eyes are well kept but I run memories into the ground, they mean everything, you mean nothing. What is wrong here? I haven't shed a single tear, yet that night i drove home I almost broke down completely at the thought she never dreamt at all. but i did not because i know the thought did process. maybe once or twice. I think that night you gave all you had left. Although you never said what was on your mind I had feeling it had something to do with the likes of me and you. Maybe not all but a slither, a little bit, a little bit.

Maybe now i will just delete everything and forget anything just happened at all. Do you understand how magnificent you make me feel? Magnificent in a way I just want to hold you and let you know no matter what you do i will always be true to you. I go out a lot. I meet all sorts of women here and there. I keep talking to old and new trends but why is it you have me in such a perpendicular bend.

but when I see you face to face I will turn the other cheek and say please just go away.

false assumptions

i want to stand up awake and out of your dreams
follow me one more time
do it please.
there is nothing like a subtle wake up call
by the grace of my hand cupped with yours
breathless i stay awake and aware, but nowhere near.
I missed your phone call

think of a better time

oy, what a day in the life. i'm riding a thin line between total apathy and completely dismantled in troubles.

Bad things happen to good people, shit just happens. But when it does i just hope you are ok with where you are because every decision you make today will affect you tomorrow. I'm moving on.

In conclusion:
i think it is not because i have feelings for you, it is because you evoke something in me indescribable. Is that love? no not at all, but what i can say for certain is that we, both, of you and i came into each others lives way before a mature time. Because i swear, until the day i meet my grave, this was mutual even if it lasted for a duration of a second. Today in present we are absent, we are strange. Ours- is a hesitant encounter, most indescribable. And it is that, that throws me completely off course. Because out of one thousand faces, Hundreds of names and only a handful of lovers, yours has done the most. Though in this stagnant time i see that sun light shine upon your face, regardless of circumstance I will always be yours. Because i remember that time you said "i'm glad i have you" and as a given you still do. And how does that saying go again? I did this because of you, this isn't for you. But i'm sure you can identify what i'm really trying to say, under the radar.


for the sake of the art, this isn't a riddle. this is a concoction of sentences that trace back to a figure i made up inside my head.
call me tomorrow when i come back to real life.

thinking of something better than a another time. I'm thinking of you with a smile on my face and an absent stance before even myself.

with ardent love,
RJ