Untitled 3

I am restless tonight and I'm not sure why. Now, it is December 31, 2010

Now that I have typed out December 31, 2010 and said it out loud, this may be the root of my current angst. I am a 21 year young girl, sometimes I must remind myself and others of that fact.
Recently, I've been trying to pay close attention to interactions of people in places as things.
I enjoy the company of friends and strangers. I enjoy music and literature. And due to an unfortunate romance, I enjoy leisured love potentials. Without the promise of potential of course. Ha.

I miss looking at that face.
There was a moment at sunset
We drove along the Sacramento delta and sang to the music that soon fed emotions so strong,
There was a moment at sunset, I looked to my right and thought to myself, how is this even possible.
Several weeks later, my anticipation to look to my right grew so irresistible
My eyes would grow wide. My face formulated childish smiles and my heart raced to seemingly endless steps to forever anywhere.
I had hands that knew how to find you, how to heal you. How to relieve yours and mine. I had hands that knew. I had ears that would mourn and rejoice in synchronization of the fighting tide.
My eyes were always in constant awareness. The vibrancy of every waking vision was too stupendous to miss the mistress. As for the senses of scent as well as taste, I learned the lesson of temptation, that of forbidden fruits.

Moon light guides my wants to a dead end of manipulated needs.
Memories that interrupt daily motivation should be evaluated and marked non priority.
Right?
Communication is key. Don't be angry.

sinks in me

I had a dream about him again last night.

Every so often I dream of a man dressed in black that lives on a hill on the highest point of his life. There, we ran into each other once, without any words exchanged the longing eyes of chance that brought tears to both of our eyes. We fell in love. Without any words exchanged, we simply grace each other and close our eyes at the exactly the same time and I wake.

Last night I had a dream about him again.

We met again at the highest hill top of his life and instead of pacing back and forth against one another, we stood still in endless concentration. The married man took his hands and stretched them across my face. Each finger scribbled words across my chest. I would have liked to have screamed, but noise wasn't in my favor. What felt to have taken an eternity, was maybe about an hour of REM sleep.

I just want to see the sun. And wrap my arms around you. I want to feel fine and love the words that surround you. Why does that want make no complication.

So much present

In celebration of the words failure, deceit, and contentment

I recollect a series of unidentified regret that hangs over my head like a block of cement.

To be sad and full of pity every time I wake from a restless nights sleep

I feel angry at the outcome that every so often follows my undocumented sorrows.

There can be so much more said to everyday strife.

But alas I choose to retell everything that seems to be wrong rather than search for everything to be right. I am confused and feel divided.

Disregard my name please, for I have forgotten all history myself.

The wind blows and my face flakes off in pieces of bitter how could you so's.

But when the rain stopped pouring on my forehead and the sun came out to say hello

there I laid like a soul-less idiot. complacent and full of woe.

Grow up, move on so I've said. So I've said.

not another sad story

things change people aren"t always going to be happy,
but people shouldnt be all that sad all the time. I wonder how she found me, or what made her love me so fast.
Items of the past are left to be embedded in a simple memory,
then our simple memories are surpressed by more and more experience.

But I take pride the face that I do not forget. I do not forget anyone, anything, or any place tied close enough to the heart. Smile for all that.

yes, yes

i look to my right and wonder how is this possible?

In relation to

to be frank, i do not trust you nor do i comprehend your behavior,

I do not see affection, rather i smell the stench of a poorly organized affair.

In my time, I have not been one to love, I have been a confidant and a problem solver for my peers. In romantic relationships, I run from them like the plague but pursue love-lost ideals like an addict. I am an addict of all sorts.

My latest object of affection is a relationship I have with another person that has me waking up each morning questioning, questioning, questioning. I do look into her deepest brown eyes and listen to every word that escapes her lips, to my ears they follow and in a rhythm, those words said trickle down to my heart and I cringe. Am I such an incompetent fool? Or does this have the potential to actually be, that something that is so... real? Could just be my over active imagination. But know, when I see you with the "other" my fixation on justifying my intuitions grow stronger and stronger each time. Because if you lied to me once, you will lie to me again. Vice versa.

I see it as, harboring a lie so immense, the body goes in a silent shock each night. I will lie awake and listen to the murmuring infatuation of attraction between two lustful parts. Then when I stand up right and get reassured nothing is present, then, am I most convinced you are not what we are portrayed to be.

but then again, i could just be making this all up.

People change

Out of all my years,

my twenty one lively years of life,

some places never change.

An attitude I noticed in the past will always come to surface once your opinion has changed about a friend you feel doesn't meet the new fictional standard.

And how I noticed this is because people take my intuition for advantage. Do not be mislead I can forecast your actions from today until tomorrow until the next day or the next. That is all because for the life you think you want to lead is nothing more than a mold you are trying to unfold.

Yes, we may all take interest in the same colors or sounds, but ultimately, take a step back and look at what you are really trying to read. There is nothing more frustrating than a person attempting to recreate nothing out of something. The envy you carry around on your shoulders for these people is the discontentment you experience every time you glance a mirror.

Open the mind. See with the eyes, not the lie.

slim pickins

may I propose the argument?
I am a twenty one year young girl living in a world detached and chivalrous in constant search for admiration and affection. Why do some people feel they so much deserve one hundred percent all the time when they only dish out twenty percent of themselves, and with even hesitation.

I lie awake in remorse of the mornings I spent with you by my side.
I cannot hold this memory to my chest anymore.
In another light, I happy to announce I am changing my ideals to something more pleasing to the general.
To redirect the conversation to something more real, I have decided to cut the life line that made my heart feel.
This isn't who I am. this is a difficult passing.

foolish von foolish

why does it feel like i've been waiting for the day i feel like i can type about something else.
how weird.
but romance is my favorite subject hands down.

anyways,
i was driving home tonight and i felt just fine.
unlike other nights...

today i was listening to an opera that struck me in a way I felt like throwing all my things to the ground and run out screaming "YOU ARE KILLING ME". but that would make me look a little too crazy.
I forget the name and i don't feel like looking it up right now but there was a line that said
"remember me, remember but please forget my fate"

DAYUM that's deep. right? lol who cares.
that's what i like about art.
when i took a friend home we were talking about death. he said, if you were to die i wouldn't know what to do. i would read something you wrote at your funeral.
then i felt this pressure upon my chest and immediately i thought to myself, oh my goodness.
all i ever write about is petty fashion in lax motifs. is that what i will be remembered by?
I hope not.

i am still obessed with the song "little bit" by Lykke Li.
I think because at the peak of my infatuations I just wish my suitors would play along and just pretend to fall in love. I play a game where I meet someone that has me fall for them but I'm trying to stay in love forever. I just want you tonight, or for maybe a couple nights. But bottom line is, we will part ways and i will never see you the same.

matter of lust

something to do, something to say.
oh haha

anyway, sometimes i just say nothing and with my hands on my head i say nothing is okay.
Last night in a room full of heathens, i felt like a walking corpse. My nostrils flaring and my head pounding I was looking for a reason to be so absurd. I would have loved to go with you stranger but I cannot. I'm so picky with my deadly reactions. I must have some morality left. But I think I do things just say i did it. So, here i am today, I did it. And I sat outside street corners away from the room and under the moon I cried. I sobbed hysterically for what seemed an eternity. Only because I for once voiced out loud my most defeating escapades. My most ruthless endeavors,the most agonizing complications for no reason whatsoever.


Now it makes sense when she told me i'm a glutton for punishment.
so tell me. really, really. what is on your mind?

last friday of feburary 2010

who doesn't appreciate one hundred percent honesty? if one week from today you say I cannot... Then I must say in one hundred percent honesty you have broken my heart. And i will never see you again.
Dramatic right? No, it's just a series of let downs. Have i said that before?
Well, once i read "i avoid interest to avoid disappointment"
How am i so incapable of understanding this simple concept.
I'm drowning myself in nothing but that little bit.
the benefit of the doubt, what does that mean to you?
this is a compliment.
I trust you say what you say for a reason and I take no offense, but you seem to always stay so offended.
tell me, what have i done to distrust you're interest?
Maybe it wasn't me all at.
Some people are just that lost.
But I am crawling out of my skin.
I never knew you at all.
I'm waking up dreaming of what could have been. My shy eyes are well kept but I run memories into the ground, they mean everything, you mean nothing. What is wrong here? I haven't shed a single tear, yet that night i drove home I almost broke down completely at the thought she never dreamt at all. but i did not because i know the thought did process. maybe once or twice. I think that night you gave all you had left. Although you never said what was on your mind I had feeling it had something to do with the likes of me and you. Maybe not all but a slither, a little bit, a little bit.

Maybe now i will just delete everything and forget anything just happened at all. Do you understand how magnificent you make me feel? Magnificent in a way I just want to hold you and let you know no matter what you do i will always be true to you. I go out a lot. I meet all sorts of women here and there. I keep talking to old and new trends but why is it you have me in such a perpendicular bend.

but when I see you face to face I will turn the other cheek and say please just go away.

false assumptions

i want to stand up awake and out of your dreams
follow me one more time
do it please.
there is nothing like a subtle wake up call
by the grace of my hand cupped with yours
breathless i stay awake and aware, but nowhere near.
I missed your phone call

think of a better time

oy, what a day in the life. i'm riding a thin line between total apathy and completely dismantled in troubles.

Bad things happen to good people, shit just happens. But when it does i just hope you are ok with where you are because every decision you make today will affect you tomorrow. I'm moving on.

In conclusion:
i think it is not because i have feelings for you, it is because you evoke something in me indescribable. Is that love? no not at all, but what i can say for certain is that we, both, of you and i came into each others lives way before a mature time. Because i swear, until the day i meet my grave, this was mutual even if it lasted for a duration of a second. Today in present we are absent, we are strange. Ours- is a hesitant encounter, most indescribable. And it is that, that throws me completely off course. Because out of one thousand faces, Hundreds of names and only a handful of lovers, yours has done the most. Though in this stagnant time i see that sun light shine upon your face, regardless of circumstance I will always be yours. Because i remember that time you said "i'm glad i have you" and as a given you still do. And how does that saying go again? I did this because of you, this isn't for you. But i'm sure you can identify what i'm really trying to say, under the radar.


for the sake of the art, this isn't a riddle. this is a concoction of sentences that trace back to a figure i made up inside my head.
call me tomorrow when i come back to real life.

thinking of something better than a another time. I'm thinking of you with a smile on my face and an absent stance before even myself.

with ardent love,
RJ

1/24/2010

there's a girl i adore with a camera attached to her hip. She takes photos of people places and things. but they are not nouns. I'm a feeler. I write down things i feel because i hope someday someone can relate. I write on napkins and leave them on coffee tables. I write on receipts, on walls, note pads, dirt mounds, in my phone i save a note, on myspace i send a comment. or even to strangers i give them my two cents because no one ever really asks, but my aloof logic makes sense sometimes.

so yeah, i fell in love again. but i'm a bad person when it comes to one night flights. truth be told i just want one but she doesn't want me. so whats a girl to do? I could just stay home, but how else would i fulfill my need to want a be. I could stay in tact maybe focus once in a while on something important, like my job or school or my family. I don't know whats going on... Today my boss stopped me in the middle of my task and asked me "Radha, what's on your mind. Lately i noticed you are here but your mind is not" I didn't reply, i just shrugged my shoulders like IDK. But that worries me a bit because is it possible people are starting to notice my obsession with distractions? Well, it's really not an obession, and i dont have distractions. I just choose to think about other things all the time. Because really... who wants to be at work at any given time. I rather be sitting outside on the hood of my volvo watching the clouds pass by. Or reading a book or talking to my unknown.

i have something i'd like to share, i want to post it but i cant think of the right words to say what i'm trying to convey. I'll be 21 in a couple days. Totally dude. I love interpol, that band makes me smile real bad. and i'm still obsessed with soft shock. it just sucks sometimes instances have to ruin the glory of simplicity.

Duck Duck Goose

what i want:
a warm bed
no nonsense
a whim

i went out tonight. i saw an opportunity to get raw but i went home. i cannot, i will not. I have had my fairshare of indiscriminate affaris. I'm tried. I just want one at the moment. and not even for that long, maybe just long enough to do something right.
honestly what is about the life that has people losing their minds.
I purposley straddle the line between yes and no just because i like how it feels to get so out of control. I have to make the decision to be red or blue. But i like luke warm. Call it an imitators instinct to play both sides. Root of evil? No, just a researcher out of touch. like a mad scientist, i usually complete what i want in tact. except for this time i've never dealt with someone who just didnt react. maybe a taste of my own medicine? or an outlet for further distruction. Oy. either whore.