I'm not feeling alright tonight.
I'm not sure what started this foul mood but I haven't been able to shake it off all day. I wish I could put my living situation into vivid perception but all I can think of is, I am not happy. I am very unhappy at the moment. I'm actually just incredibly sad tonight.

One significant part of my uneasiness is coming from my father. It seems as more time goes by the more I am beginning to resent him. I hadn't seen him in four years so from the age of 18 to 22 I changed a lot. My change was quite drastic actually. Finally as an adult and sober I feel as though I can ration choices better in my mind. My father knows absolutly nothing about me. What kills me is it seems as he want to know where I've been or what has happened to me over the years. Either that of he just doesn't have the mental capacity to do so. He doesn't know what instrument I played for 8 years when I was younger. Every other day is a screaming match between him and I. I refuse to believe that he has become utterly helpless. When he struggles in the morning all I hear for two hours is 'I should just kill myself, when you leave I'm going to jump in the river and drown'
Suicide talk is the kind of shit that just pisses me off. I get fired up with rage.
He is my father. He is someone I am suppose to look up to, someone is suppose to represent safety, someone I thought would encourage me... Ideally of course...
What hurts more is expecting these kind of attributes from him.
I know I'm a strong girl. Emotionally and physically. I do believe I am more capable than I give myself credit for but I feel so completely dismantled.
I don't want to be here anymore, this trip is starting to feel like more a punishment than a privilege. I don't want to go back to home, I don't know where I would even stay. I just want to feel safe. I want to be ok.