I’ve had so much time to self reflect it’s becoming a little painful.

I feel like I should map out a time line to see where what went wrong.

Today I found out my grandmother passed away in August in of 1988. Then I was born and in January of 1989. My dad is sleeping right now, but he made me cry earlier. He was telling me that he begged my mom to name me Radha because her death was just as a surprise as my birth. Anyway, today while he was struggling to get up he asked for my help and when I lent out my hand to grab his he said in the softest manner, 'it’s been so many years but I still really miss my mom'. Hearing that pierced my heart. I resented my mother for so many years and finally after I moved to California we started a new relationship and now we are closer than we’ve ever been. I blamed her for so much. Sometimes I still get sad because I wished she would have defended me when I was younger but who knows what she was going through at the time. I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven my mother for the hurtful things we have said and done to one another. She is still my mother and has known me longest than anyone else around here. I’m grateful that she never beat me, starve me, or leave me without somewhere to sleep. Though she wasn’t emotionally there and neglected me through some rough patches I’m not dead or in jail. I don’t hold anything against her for divorcing my father & vice versa.

All these things happen with reason. Some that seemingly take too long to understand.